From the BBBC -the latest Regulators Champions League results ;-
Team US -SEC *160 .Team UK-FSA 0
This follows last weeks results;-
Team US-SEC $3.92bn .Team UK-FSA 0.
*See Annex A Below for Team US- SEC results
Ian Taplin,BBBC Correspondent and Lloyds Bank Whistleblower reports;-
“What is going on at Team UK-FSA?They are being completely outplayed by Team US-SEC;who themselves have lost key players in the “revolving door transfer window “to Team Goldman Sachs and Team JP Morgan!”
Ian Taplin,the BBBC correspondent considers himself “a bit of a right and left winger”having once played for Team Lloyds Bank.Team Lloyds Bank finally got evicted from the Sub Standard Lower Division on allegations of match fixing and trying to pinch top players outside the “revolving door transfer window”.The BBBC correspondent himself was fired by Team Lloyds Bank for telling the referee about the behaviour of certain key players and managers-”both on the pitch and off the pitch”.
“I am working for the Bucklands Beach Bowling Club as their chief journalist and broadcaster as I have no income having blown the whistle to the referee about my concerns of professional misconduct at Team Lloyds Bank.
I blew the whistle on Team Lloyds Bank to the referee who objected to me blowing my whistle-in fact he objected to me actually “owning ”my own whistle.
I then asked the referee to blow “his” whistle and he refused.The referee said;-
“Being a whistle blower does not means you can blow the whistle willy nilly.”
But back to the pitchside action in the Regulators Champions League!
Ian Taplin of the BBBC continues;-
“There are serious striker problems at Team UK-FSA.They seem incapable of putting together anything which might get a regulatory result.
“Henry Sunk,the Team UK-FSA manager is apparently sulking in his pitchside dug-out refusing to acknowledge there are any problems with his team’s performance-despite the scoreline of 169-0.When asked why Team US-SEC had scored 169 regulatory goals to Team UK-FSA zero regulatory goals he exclaimed;-
” Why must I must be judged by measuring results like this?There are other measurements to consider.For example we received 25 million ticked boxes in year 2007 and then saw a huge increase to 38 million ticked boxes in 2010.We stored these ticked boxes in our new £10m filing system-which is fully indexed.
“We can retrieve any one of these ticked boxes -now 155 million in total -in a split second .And we are working with Blackberry to enable our field based staff to access anyone of these ticked boxes on their mobile phones from anywhere in the UK including the Shetland Islands.”
Mr Sunk proudly continued;-
“In 2011 we issued 458 regulatory guidelines concerning the selling of pet insurance.
“We also agreed to take on the regulation of the insurance markets,and their derivatives I might add - of beach donkeys in our seaside resorts.This new regulation of CDS’s -or Coastal Donkey Swaps- is very exciting for us .
“Why don’t you ask the SEC if can access their ticked boxes,on mobile phones in say Northern Alaska?And what about their own Coastal Donkey Insurance Markets ?How many US based Coastal Donkeys are being traded in the derivatives markets and are subject to regulation?
“Well? The answer is a big ZERO!”
“Lord Tuneout,the Chairman of Team UK- FSA is seemingly talking regulation goobledeegook when asked about his team’s performance.-
“How can we play the game when the Government won’t give us the ball!
“Even when we do get the ball-it’s the wrong shape.
“And then the ball is too hard and our players get sore toes and sore heads!It’s just too hard!Several of our star players have complained that the ball hurts their heads when they try to use their heads and on those occasions when they do use their heads -they get headaches and have to report sick!This affects their state funded pensions and our performance .It’s not fair.”
Ian ,the BBBC correspondent continues in his analysis of the problems facing Team UK-FSA;-
“I tracked down the UK Government who were skiing,en masse, in Switzerland’s top resort at Davos-attending the “Worldwide Anti-Corruption Conference”.Their ruddy faced spokesperson,who smelt of champagne commented;-
“Despite the latest score of 160-0 we have every confidence that Mr Sunk and Lord Tuneout are doing a sterling job and will turn the ship around in the regulatory seascape.”
When asked if the government would invite him -Ian Taplin the Lloyds Bank Whistle Blower- into the Worldwide Anti-Corruption Conference-as an observer-the UK goverment spokesperson replied;-
“Certainly not.You do not qualify.”
The BBBC correspondent then returned to the UK and contacted the Team UK FSA Supporters Club-fondly known as the MOPS-which relates to them being Members of Parliament.Fred Knowalot-Smeethington-the MOPS spokesman and MP for the Rotten Borough of Old and Stinky Sarum issued a statement concerning Team UK-FSA’s performance ;-
“Obviously we are somewhat disappointed by Team UK FSA failure to get one meaningful regulatory result;but being the MOP’s,it is not our job to put pressure on Mr Sunk or Lord Tuneout.
“No-we just want to go along and watch the spectacle and we prefer to sit on the sidelines eating the subsidised House of Commons pop-corn .We really do not want any fuss.”
Ian Taplin,the redoubtable BBBC Correspondent was by now becoming alarmed that it appeared that Team UK FSA would never ever get any meaningful regulatory result.Did no-one in the game really care? Or was there something sinister going on?
He was beginning to question the huge amounts of money Team UK-FSA lavished on it’s players and swish new ground at Canary Whiff.The Team UK-FSA has support staff of 3,000-all on Mark 1 Government Issue of pay and conditions.
However being the bright amateur and earnest reporter- that he is-he rang Team LAFWAG -Team LAFWAG is the Lloyds And Friends Whistleblowing Action Group- a team which is already making a name for itself.Their manager MR Personage of Conscience was happy to chat;-
“We are looking forward to taking on any team especially Team UK FSA whom we are playing in the Knock out Cup.They- like Team Lloyds Bank -deserve to be relegated.Our players have the right attitude and want to make a positive contribution to our national game.
“It is our ambition to win big time and be a team the nation can be proud of!”
3 Cheers for LAFWAGS’s Mr Personage of Conscience!
It should be pointed out that Team LAFWAG is made up from previous Team Lloyds Bank Players and supporters and is not connected to Team Lloyds Bank who are heading for the bottom league in the UK -affectionately known as the Anglian Bent Bottle Co League.The League is mostly made up by teams from Her Majesty’s Prisons .
Meanwhile in Washington DC,-Team US-SEC are delighted with the progress of Team LAFWAG;-
“Its about time we had some serious competition from you Brits.Who has been dipping their sticky fingers into the proverbial teapot again?Who has been tasting the pooh pooh whitewash honey and nibbling the moldy cucumber sandwich with the squiffy aroma? Come on you limeys!”
Written by Ian Taplin,Bucklands Beach Bowling Club Correspondent ,Lloyds Bank Whistle Blower and supporter of Team LAFWAG.
Ian Taplin the BBBC Correspondent has been nominated for ;-
Best Parish Correspondent-2011-2012-in the forthcoming awards ceremony-”What the devil is going on in Britain- Press Awards;”held on April 1st,2012 at the Village Hall;7pm no tickets required,light buffet and refreshments-£2;proceeds to BBBC’s”Buy a new microphone fundraising campaign.”The BBBC’s old microphone was stolen at Davos.
This story is fictional narrative only.
Annex A- below- is not .
SEC Enforcement Actions Addressing Misconduct That Led to or Arose From the Financial Crisis
Concealed from investors risks, terms, and improper pricing in CDOs and other complex structured products:
- Citigroup – SEC charged Citigroup’s principal U.S. broker-dealer subsidiary with misleading investors about a $1 billion CDO tied to the housing market in which Citigroup bet against investors as the housing market showed signs of distress. The proposed settlement would require a payment of $285 million by Citigroup that would be returned to harmed investors. (10/19/11)
- Goldman Sachs – SEC charged the firm with defrauding investors by misstating and omitting key facts about a financial product tied to subprime mortgages as the U.S. housing market was beginning to falter. (4/16/10)
- Goldman Settled Charges – Firm agreed to pay record penalty in $550 million settlement and reform its business practices. (7/15/10)
- ICP Asset Management – SEC charged ICP and its president with fraudulently managing investment products tied to the mortgage markets as they came under pressure. (6/21/10)
- J.P. Morgan Securities – SEC charged the firm with misleading investors in a complex mortgage securities transaction just as the housing market was starting to plummet. J.P. Morgan agreed to pay $153.6 million in a settlement that enables harmed investors to receive all of their money back. (6/21/11)
- Stifel, Nicolaus & Co. – SEC charged the St. Louis-based brokerage firm and a former senior executive with defrauding five Wisconsin school districts by selling them unsuitably risky and complex investments. (8/10/11)
- RBC Capital Markets – SEC charged the firm for misconduct in the sale of unsuitable CDO investments to five Wisconsin school districts. The firm settled the charges by paying $30.4 million to be distributed to the school districts through a Fair Fund. (9/27/11)
- Wachovia Capital Markets – SEC charged the firm with misconduct in the sale of two CDOs tied to the performance of residential mortgage-backed securities as the housing market was beginning to show signs of distress. Firm settled charges by paying more than $11 million, much of which will be returned to harmed investors. (4/5/11)
Made misleading disclosures to investors about mortgage-related risks and exposure:
- American Home Mortgage – SEC charged executives with accounting fraud and misleading investors about the company’s deteriorating financial condition as the subprime crisis emerged. Former CEO settled charges by paying $2.45 million and agreeing to five-year officer and director bar. (4/28/09)
- BankAtlantic – SEC charged the holding company for one of Florida’s largest banks and CEO Alan Levan with misleading investors about growing problems in one of its significant loan portfolios early in the financial crisis. (1/18/12)
- Citigroup – SEC charged the company and two executives with misleading investors about exposure to subprime mortgage assets. Citigroup paid $75 million penalty to settle charges, and the executives also paid penalties. (7/29/10)
- Countrywide – SEC charged CEO Angelo Mozilo and two other executives with deliberately misleading investors about significant credit risks taken in efforts to build and maintain the company’s market share. Mozilo also charged with insider trading. (6/4/2009)
- Mozilo Settled Charges – Agreed to record $22.5 million penalty and permanent officer and director bar. (10/15/10)
- Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac – SEC charged six former top executives of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac with securities fraud for misleading investors about the extent of each company’s holdings of higher-risk mortgage loans, including subprime loans. (12/16/11)
- IndyMac Bancorp – SEC charged three executives with misleading investors about the mortgage lender’s deteriorating financial condition. (2/11/11)
- New Century – SEC charged three executives with misleading investors as the lender’s subprime mortgage business was collapsing. (12/7/09)
- Executives Settled Charges – Paid more than $1.5 million and each agreed to five-year officer and director bars. (7/30/10)
Concealed the extent of risky mortgage-related and other investments in mutual funds and other financial products:
- Charles Schwab – SEC charged entities and executives with making misleading statements to investors in marketing a mutual fund heavily invested in mortgage-backed and other risky securities. The Schwab entities paid more than $118 million to settle charges. (1/11/11)
- Evergreen – SEC charged the firm with overstating the value of a mutual fund invested primarily in mortgage-backed securities and only selectively telling shareholders about the fund’s valuation problems. Firm settled charges by paying more than $40 million, most of which was returned to harmed investors. (6/8/09)
- Morgan Keegan – SEC charged the firm and two employees with fraudulently overstating the value of securities backed by subprime mortgages (4/7/10)
- Morgan Keegan Settled Charges – Firm agreed to pay $100 million to the SEC and the two employees also agreed to pay penalties, including one who agreed to be barred from the securities industry. (6/22/11)
- Reserve Fund – SEC charged several entities and individuals who operated the Reserve Primary Fund for failing to provide key material facts to investors and trustees about the fund’s vulnerability as Lehman Brothers sought bankruptcy protection. (5/5/09)
- State Street – SEC charged the firm with misleading investors about exposure to subprime investments while selectively disclosing more complete information to specific investors. State Street agreed to repay investors more than $300 million to settle the charges. (2/4/10)
- Two Former State Street Employees Charged - Accused of misleading investors about exposure to subprime investments. (9/30/10)
- TD Ameritrade – SEC charged the firm with failing to supervise representatives who mischaracterized the Reserve Fund as safe as cash and failed to disclose risks when offering the investment to customers. Firm settled charges by agreeing to repay $10 million to certain fund investors. (2/3/11)
- Bank of America – SEC charged the company with misleading investors about billions of dollars in bonuses being paid to Merrill Lynch executives at the time of its acquisition of the firm, and failing to disclose extraordinary losses that Merrill sustained. Bank of America paid $150 million to settle charges. (2/4/10)
- Brooke Corporation – SEC charged six executives for misleading investors about the firm’s deteriorating financial condition and for engaging in various fraudulent schemes designed to conceal the firm’s rapidly deteriorating loan portfolio. Five executives agreed to settlements including financial penalties and officer and director bars. (5/4/11)
- Former CEO Settled Charges – The sixth executive agreed to an officer and director bar and financial penalty. (9/8/11)
- Brookstreet – SEC charged the firm and its CEO with defrauding customers in its sales of risky mortgage-backed securities. (12/8/09)
- Brookstreet Brokers Charged – SEC charged 10 Brookstreet brokers with making misrepresentations to investors in sale of risky CMOs. (5/28/09)
- Colonial Bank and Taylor, Bean & Whitaker (TBW) – SEC charged executives at the bank and the major mortgage lender for orchestrating $1.5 billion scheme with fabricated or impaired mortgage loans and securities, and attempting to scam the TARP program.
- Lee Farkas, Chairman of TBW (6/16/10)
- Desiree Brown, Treasurer of TBW (2/24/11)
- Catherine Kissick, Vice President at Colonial Bank (3/2/11)
- Teresa Kelly, Supervisor at Colonial Bank (3/16/11)
- Paul Allen, CEO of TBW (6/17/11)
- UCBH Holdings Inc. – SEC charged former bank executives with misleading investors about mounting loan losses at San Francisco-based United Commercial Bank and its public holding company during the height of the financial crisis. (10/11/2011)
Key Statistics (through Jan. 18, 2012)
|Number of Entities and Individuals Charged||
|Number of CEOs, CFOs, and Other Senior Corporate Officers Charged||
|Number of Individuals Who Have Received Officer and Director bars, Industry Bars, or Commission Suspensions||
|Penalties Ordered or Agreed To||
> $1.2 billion
|Disgorgement and Prejudgment Interest Ordered or Agreed To||
> $393 million
|Additional Monetary Relief Obtained for Harmed Investors||
|Total Penalties, Disgorgement, and Other Monetary Relief||
* In settlements with Evergreen, J.P. Morgan, State Street, and TD Ameritrade